Shapeshifter's Journal - Part 3

2624 Words
2023-10-23

Day 6 - 6:00

I made it home and almost instantly passed out in bed last night after telling my friends that I survived the woods and that I made it home. I missed my bed so much! As great as being soft and fluffy and squishy is for sleeping, nothing beats a soft bed!

Something unexpected happened though. I fell asleep as a human, but I woke up to an all too familiar orange fur all over my body! Thankfully, I live alone so there shouldn’t be any issue with me taking this form over here but it does mean that I lost another pair of pants.. Oh well. I wasn’t that attached to those anyways!

I thought that shapeshifting was going to be a one and done thing. I didn’t expect to fall back to this form while I was asleep. I do wonder why I went to my recolored version and not the one I was originally.

I’m feeling really hungry, so time to get some breakfast!

Day 6 - 8:00

Okay, first of all, this body is NOT made for tiny human apartments. It’s too cramped to walk around on all four. And it’s also too cramped to walk on two legs because my tail hits everything around me if I’m not super careful and I don’t think neighbors are going to be too happy with frequent thuds against the walls. So I guess I’ll have to be human when up and about in my own place.

I ate a lot more than I usually do. I kept going back for more and more food. Probably as much as I would normally eat in an entire day before, just for breakfast. I did notice I could eat a lot back in the forest but didn’t actually notice the sheer amount of food I was eating. I'm going to need to allocate a bigger budget to food I guess.

I’m going to spend the day today setting my life back in order. Make sure to answer everyone who got concerned with my sudden disappearance, including my job (If I even still have one…)

Day 6 - 11:00

So.. to nobody’s surprise, I no longer have a job! After this many days without calling in or answering their calls, I didn’t really expect to still be employed. I really don’t want to go through job searching but what choice do I have, really? I’m not too worried for the short term as I have a decent amount of savings but I need something to be able to keep living here long term. I’ll spend the next few hours looking for jobs.

Day 6 - 17:00

I almost immediately got distracted! I ended up doing some research around what I could possibly be after realizing I have an unrestricted access to the internet. Took me a while to find anything conclusive but I did eventually find a group of people who claim to have turned into the same creature as me! As it turns out, they’re everywhere, hiding as humans all over the planet! Students, industry workers, government workers, engineers, etc. There are so many and those are only those who are in this group! There’s probably so many more who aren’t aware of this group or even some who don’t speak the same language!

Digging a bit into what they’ve shared, a few things caught my interest: a detailed description of the species I’ve become, leaked confidential research notes about a dog that was injected with an experimental virus and a page directly addressing people who were infected by said virus. It’s all really interesting to know a bit more about what I am. There are a few new important pieces of information I got from this:

That last one is really weird to think about but I guess it kind of makes sense now that I think about it: I’m extremely flexible and squishy!

Day 6 - 19:00

I actually did some job applications now! Here’s to hoping they get back to me, but my expectations are extremely low. I’ve heard so many horror stories about the job market. It’s a gamble with every application.

I ate dinner and I’m really going to have to go out and get a lot of groceries tomorrow because I’m out of almost everything!

I’ll spend some time catching up with friends online tonight. I’ll have to make up a story for what happened during my hike though. I’m a notoriously bad liar so I’m really not looking forward to when they inevitably ask about it.

Day 6 - 23:00

While I had a good time with them, I panicked when I was asked about what happened. I think panicking made me go out of my human form and back to my amphimorpho one. I somehow couldn’t change back and I’ve also failed to change back since. It was so easy back in the forest. Why does it feel so impossible now?

They were really confused when I not only started being unable to pronounce some sounds, but also when my voice started to sound different. Not too surprising that I'd sound different considering the different shaped everything amphimorphos have with their face/head. Some of them thought I was using a voice changer and trying to be funny but they quickly realised something was wrong actually when I told them I have to go. They sounded really concerned when I left.

I’ll go to bed. Hopefully my human shapeshifting situation gets resolved after I wake up tomorrow. Got some shopping to do after all.

Day 7 - 8:00

After some experimentation, shapeshifting is actually still really easy! I can easily shift my colors around, change minor things about my form and even change species entirely. Changing into a cat was a bit weird but also kind of enjoyable?

I do, however, still have trouble with changing into a human. Whenever I get any part of my body human, it immediately changes back as soon as I lose focus. I can work with this. All I need to do is one simple grocery trip. Can’t be that hard.. right?

Day 7 - 10:00

Groceries done! I hated that. I didn’t think groceries could be so stressful. Every time someone was near me, I could feel them staring at me. I know that they probably weren’t, for the most part at least. I think I’ve been able to keep my shape without issue. Or at least I thought so until I had to pay and the cashier appeared really concerned when looking at me.

Apparently, my eyes had turned pink! I can’t see or feel any changes for those. And the cashier staring at me like that made me nervous, which of course made me start losing more and more of my human features. I rushed out of there as soon as I could and hid in a nearby alleyway to recompose myself. I could feel the fur growing along my neck while I was walking out. I hope nobody cared to take note of anything. Last thing I want is nosy strangers invading my personal space.

One thing’s for sure though: if I don’t get this under control, living out here again is going to be impossible.

Day 7 - 16:00

I think I figured out why shapeshifting into a human feels so hard while everything else feels so easy. There are so many expectations with being human. You need to behave a certain way, speak with a certain tone, follow so many arbitrary rules. There are no expectations of that sort for anything else. You’re a cat? Go meow meow and people are fine with you. And that’s pretty much universal with every species that aren't human. Just gotta worry about predators and everything else is fine.

I did notice something else. Whenever I shapeshift into other species: I don’t seem to get any of their senses. But I do when I shift into a human for some reason? That may also be playing a part in my difficulties too. I really wonder why that’s the case. Maybe that’s what this whole imprinting deal from the notes I saw yesterday was about? Guess I’ll have to try touching some animals to experiment.

I hear someone knocking. Seems like I’ll need to get back to being human. Hopefully it’ll just be for a few minutes at most.

Day 7 - 20:00

My “friend” decided it would be a good idea to show up unannounced because they were so worried for me. They insisted on staying until they knew what was going on. They kept on pushing and pushing and pushing, asking me what happened over and over and over. Meanwhile, I was struggling to keep it together. I was a cornered animal in my own “safe” space. In an endless fight or flight situation where fighting felt like a horrible idea and where fleeing is impossible.

It felt like I wasn’t even in control of myself. I was too focused on maintaining this facade, this mask, my “humanity”. I eventually froze up and was unable to talk completely. That didn’t stop them from insisting on getting to know what happened.

Well, I hope they’re happy. They know what happened to me now. Within a second, I went from a silent overwhelmed human to a large noodly beast, with its teeth deeply inserted in one of the arms of its “friend”. In that instant, I didn’t feel in control of myself at all. I was reduced to instinct, bearing my teeth at someone I considered my friend mere hours ago, looking at their every movement without moving an inch. I had chosen to stand my ground and fight. It was up to them now to decide if they wanted to fight back, or to run away.

It did not take long for them to decide to run away, likely very confused, and injured.

I only started moving again once I heard them leave the building. It felt extremely relieving to have that situation be over, to be able to be myself once more, to be free.

While that whole exchange after I stopped being able to talk lasted less than a minute, it felt like it lasted for hours. Right now, I just want to cry and curl up into a ball.

Day 8 - 8:00

I just processed all that happened last night. I didn't realise I could shapeshift this fast. It was almost instant!

I don't think I should stay here. I’d only end up hurting those I care about even more, including myself. Yesterday went wrong in more ways than I thought it possible, and all I had on my to do list was “get groceries”.

I feel stuck. Coming back here was a mistake. I do not belong anymore. I am no longer fit for this life; I don’t think I ever was to be honest.

Day 8 - 10:00

I’ve gathered a small amount of essential things. I’m leaving to go back to the forest where everything changed. Looking back, it was peaceful back there and I was actually happy. No need to worry about money, stupid societal rules or anything like that. Reading this past week of my journal, it seems like everytime I mentioned coming back here, I was more worried about making sure nobody worries about me than about being happy. I really rushed my decision to come back as soon as I could too. Literally on the same day I figured out I could shapeshift.

I am going to miss human comforts like my bed, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for my own long term wellbeing.

This all feels so sudden and bittersweet. I feel like such a failure for failing to contain the beast last night. But I am the beast. It’s not just a small part of me, it is who I actually am now. I can not hide it. I do not want to hide it.

So, I’ll embrace it fully instead.

Day 8 - 12:00

I’m on the bus to the forest. Just a little while where I have to be a human before I can noodle out. I can do this!

Before leaving, I sent a message to everyone:

“I am leaving the city. I can’t live like this anymore.
I won’t have internet access where I’m going but I love you all!
Good luck with everything and.. I’m sorry for biting you.”

Of course, I only sent that last part to my visitor last night. Wait.. didn’t I read something about being infectious??

Whatever, not my problem anymore. I’m sure they’ll figure it out! After all, they did see me shapeshift, right?

Day 8 - 16:00

I’ve made it to a pretty deep spot in the forest. It feels really nice to be back here! Fresh air, plenty of critters, sounds of nature and not a soul who would care about seeing me like this. What’s not to like?

In hindsight, I think I’ve always been pretty miserable living out there, in the city. I could do it, but it wasn’t always pleasant. Being an amphimorpho and struggling to maintain my form made living like I had been prior to this nearly impossible. Could I do it with some practice? Probably. Would I enjoy living like that? Not at all. I’d probably end up with severe anxiety. I could already feel the anxiety building up and I had only been home for what.. 2 days? I’m glad I got out of there. I guess I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep going with what was most familiar to me.

Day 8 - 21:00

I spent a few hours walking around, enjoying the scenery, and eating a bit of food here and there: both fruits I found on the way, and some snacks I brought from back home.
It’s been really nice. I even saw Tycho! He was in front of a big hollowed tree filled with what I can only describe as junk. I guess this is where he lives and keeps his stuff? Not sure, didn’t ask him.

I gave him a big hug before he could even process that I was there. He looked really confused when I did and quickly repeatedly kicked me to get me off. Thankfully, once he realised it was me, he stopped kicking. He was really surprised to see me back after I left so quickly last time. After explaining what happened and that I decided to stay here for some time, he got really happy about getting some company in the forest. I’m honestly also glad he’s here. It should make things a bit more interesting and we’ll be able to help each other out when needed.

I truly feel really thankful that he robbed me of all my food last week. I’m glad I ate that “blueberry jam”. I may still be adapting to all the changes, but it’s definitely something I needed.

Right now, I’ve set my nest for the night a fair bit away from Tycho’s “den”. Not too close, not too far. He’s pretty nice and I think we’ll get to enjoy each other's company a lot as time goes on but also, I enjoy having my personal space.

Laying down out here feels really refreshing and, for the first time in forever, it feels like everything is going to be okay.

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